Over the past couple of years I have struggled in finding the right balance between work and parenting (and my own sense of self, squashed in there somewhere). Of course parenting is a full time job, but if I'm honest the amount of
quality parenting done in this house when I'm working 3 days a week and stressing about housework and other necessary evils is less than my ideal. A fact that I, compulsive worrier that I am, of course stress about!
In order to unpack this I had to look at the issue from a number of different angles. What do I want? What is reasonable to expect? What am I actually capable of maintaining?
Firstly, I need to work (for the purpose of this post I'm defining
work as paid employment outside the home). We bought a house last year. I'm not really a subscriber to the 'I'm a better parent because I work' attitude. I actually think I'd be a more focussed and intentional parent if I didn't work. If I'm honest I would not be working now if we had the means for me to stay at home. But we need my income. My role is incompatible with anything less than 3 days per week, so unless I get another job (unlikely in these uncertain economic times) that will remain unchanged.
Secondly, housework and cooking need to be done. As much as I'd like to blissfully ignore mess and dirt, I can't deny that it bugs me. A lot. That's not to say my house is spick and span, anyone who knows me well can vouch that it is far from it. But I do worry when I feel that it's getting on top of me and there just aren't the hours in the day to make a dent in it. And as much as I can go on at Matt in regards to housework, the facts are that he is of the male variety, they simply don't have the same radar as women and it will never bother him as much as it irks me. Therefore it will never make sense to him when I freak out because the dishwasher hasn't been emptied or there are clothes piling up beside the bed, or our feet stick to the tiles in the kitchen. After 10 years I get that and I'm over having conversations with him about divvying up the household labour, because It Doesn't Work. It bothers me - I notice, it doesn't bother him - he doesn't notice. There's no room for negotiation with a scenario such as this.
So how then do I make this manageable for me and still add value to my children's lives by being a worthy parent? It's not rocket science but this is what I came up with. Below are my essentials, I also engage in many other unmentioned activities but these are the musts, if-I-do nothing-else-list.
1) Plan meals, have ingredients on hand, cook as much as possible in advance. This is especially hard for me seeing as I loathe cooking, but have reaped the rewards of such planning, and it's not to be underestimated!
2) Sit with my children where possible at meal times, even if I don't eat at the same time. I always sit with Mieke and Quinn while they have their dinner but will often wait for mine until Matt is home.
3) Read to the children, every single day. This time (we do it just before bed) is precious. We are giving them our undivided attention, conversing with them, teaching them, holding them. They value this time as much as Matt and I do.
4) Go to bed at a reasonable hour, despite the sink full of dishes and the washing still in machine. I cannot do anything if I don't sleep properly, lack of sleep retards me.
5) Get a house cleaner. Once a week or fornight. She will ensure the toilet is clean and the floors are vacuumed and mopped on a regular basis. I can do the fiddly stuff. I'm earning money, the process of which takes me out of my house for 3 days every week, sometimes more. Might as well use a small portion of it to outsource some duties that I would otherwise be fulfilling.
6) Have regular Me Time. I have realised the true value of this only recently. ME time, not couple time (which is also essential, though completely separate from what I'm talking about here). Time with friends or on my own. I find it rejuvenating after even a couple of hours of coffee and cake with a friend. A swim. A movie. Dinner out. Drinks. A concert. All of these I have done or are on my calendar to do with friends and it fills me with another dimension of joy.
7) Regular exercise - this could also fit into #6, but I wanted to emphasise the exercise as a point worthy of its own number. I mostly walk on my own first thing in the morning but lately it's been me and the Beagle. We got bikes for Christmas last year and I must must must ride mine more often.
